30 Days Sober – It Wasn’t Pretty

So I just read through my last couple of posts. Classic denial. What happened? Well, the same thing that always happens – my drinking escalated. I did drink in Italy and it was okay as I suspected. I was busy, there was hiking everyday, I was with people who didn’t drink much, (fun fact: people in Italy don’t drink rivers of wine every day). In short, it didn’t ruin my vacation, but as Willie Nelson sings…it was always on my mind.

The trouble came when I got back in my routine, back to my boring mundane everyday life. I felt alone. I grieved Italy. There I felt like I really had accomplished something. I did things daily that were out of my comfort zone. I was satisfied with myself.  No pressure. It was freeing.

I drank everyday for at least two weeks after my return until I was so depressed I couldn’t take it anymore and I quit…again.

So its been a month. I’ve journaled almost everyday. I’m reading everything I can and trying to be easy on myself. What I find amusing are those articles that pop up in my Facebook feed;  I quit drinking for 30 Days and this is what happened! They talk about weight loss, better sleep, more productivity and saved money. I would like to know how much the people who write these things actually drink? The truth is when you’re a real drinker getting sober for 30 days is hard and frustrating and all sorts and shades of awful. What these articles don’t tell you is your anxiety and depression? Well, it gets worse before it gets better. My anxiety was through the roof. I pushed so hard on my front tooth with my tongue I swear it was going to pop right out.

I was tired. So tired. Like first trimester pregnancy tired. So more productivity wasn’t a thing a for me. I had no motivation and I watched so much Netflix they stopped making next show recommendations. I guess they figured I was on such a roll I would get to them eventually.

I was a complete and utter bitch to my family. I couldn’t even stand being with myself.

I lost zero weight. Nothing. Zip. In fact, I gained. You would think after eliminating so many unneeded calories from my diet I would at least lose a couple pounds, but instead I think my fat cells are confused and banding together, waiting for the starvation to set in. In fact, as I wright this I feel so bloated I want to drink just to get rid of the awkwardness of being in this body.

I have zits.

I have spent every single dime I saved because, Damn it, I’m not drinking so I can buy that sweater, those boots, that endless supply of organic teas and essential oils.

So the first 30 days? Not fun. In fact every time I quit, it gets harder. Which really makes me think about whether I have it in me to do it again. The good news is, I made it through the first 30. The clouds have begun to part. I’ve lowered my expectations in the productivity department. Instead of painting rooms and organizing closets – it looks more like actually taking my make up off at night, moisturizing, going for a walk, reading more instead of watching TV. Actually writing a blog post…

Sleep is getting much better, my mood comes and goes, but its to be expected. I’m still full of negative self talk but I’m more aware of it and trying to correct it where I can. I’ve joined some great online support groups and am looking into alternatives to supplement my spotty AA attendance . I’m really selective with who I spend my time with. Parties are not for me right now, however the holiday season is arriving which will bring with it a whole new set of challenges.

There are times in the day when all I can do is sit in my feelings of regret and self pity and recognize them for what they are. Fear. I can no longer numb it away. Having to feel and accept those feelings is the toughest part of 30 days and beyond… that little tidbit is what they leave out of those feel good 30 days of sobriety articles.