30 Days Sober – It Wasn’t Pretty

So I just read through my last couple of posts. Classic denial. What happened? Well, the same thing that always happens – my drinking escalated. I did drink in Italy and it was okay as I suspected. I was busy, there was hiking everyday, I was with people who didn’t drink much, (fun fact: people in Italy don’t drink rivers of wine every day). In short, it didn’t ruin my vacation, but as Willie Nelson sings…it was always on my mind.

The trouble came when I got back in my routine, back to my boring mundane everyday life. I felt alone. I grieved Italy. There I felt like I really had accomplished something. I did things daily that were out of my comfort zone. I was satisfied with myself.  No pressure. It was freeing.

I drank everyday for at least two weeks after my return until I was so depressed I couldn’t take it anymore and I quit…again.

So its been a month. I’ve journaled almost everyday. I’m reading everything I can and trying to be easy on myself. What I find amusing are those articles that pop up in my Facebook feed;  I quit drinking for 30 Days and this is what happened! They talk about weight loss, better sleep, more productivity and saved money. I would like to know how much the people who write these things actually drink? The truth is when you’re a real drinker getting sober for 30 days is hard and frustrating and all sorts and shades of awful. What these articles don’t tell you is your anxiety and depression? Well, it gets worse before it gets better. My anxiety was through the roof. I pushed so hard on my front tooth with my tongue I swear it was going to pop right out.

I was tired. So tired. Like first trimester pregnancy tired. So more productivity wasn’t a thing a for me. I had no motivation and I watched so much Netflix they stopped making next show recommendations. I guess they figured I was on such a roll I would get to them eventually.

I was a complete and utter bitch to my family. I couldn’t even stand being with myself.

I lost zero weight. Nothing. Zip. In fact, I gained. You would think after eliminating so many unneeded calories from my diet I would at least lose a couple pounds, but instead I think my fat cells are confused and banding together, waiting for the starvation to set in. In fact, as I wright this I feel so bloated I want to drink just to get rid of the awkwardness of being in this body.

I have zits.

I have spent every single dime I saved because, Damn it, I’m not drinking so I can buy that sweater, those boots, that endless supply of organic teas and essential oils.

So the first 30 days? Not fun. In fact every time I quit, it gets harder. Which really makes me think about whether I have it in me to do it again. The good news is, I made it through the first 30. The clouds have begun to part. I’ve lowered my expectations in the productivity department. Instead of painting rooms and organizing closets – it looks more like actually taking my make up off at night, moisturizing, going for a walk, reading more instead of watching TV. Actually writing a blog post…

Sleep is getting much better, my mood comes and goes, but its to be expected. I’m still full of negative self talk but I’m more aware of it and trying to correct it where I can. I’ve joined some great online support groups and am looking into alternatives to supplement my spotty AA attendance . I’m really selective with who I spend my time with. Parties are not for me right now, however the holiday season is arriving which will bring with it a whole new set of challenges.

There are times in the day when all I can do is sit in my feelings of regret and self pity and recognize them for what they are. Fear. I can no longer numb it away. Having to feel and accept those feelings is the toughest part of 30 days and beyond… that little tidbit is what they leave out of those feel good 30 days of sobriety articles.

 

 

6 thoughts on “30 Days Sober – It Wasn’t Pretty

  1. Finding a Sober Miracle November 19, 2018 / 2:25 pm

    But 30 days is such a miracle! It doesn’t seem like much because you had that year in the past, so maybe you don’t appreciate yourself as much as you could. Sticking out that first 30 days was the sole indicator of whether I could then go 2 months, or 5 months, or a finally, a year. It’s like you’ve walked past the dragon, because it never gets worse than the first 30, in my experience.

    Congratulations! (Cue marching band and balloons.)

    Like

    • soberingtruths November 23, 2018 / 1:58 pm

      Awe Thanks! I’ve had lots of Day 1’s – but this time around – this 30 days was harder then ever. I’m fighting the voices in my head constantly. Makes me never want to do this again. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Finding a Sober Miracle November 24, 2018 / 11:17 pm

        I know what you mean. The thought of starting over is great detriment to ever drinking again.

        Like

  2. JB November 20, 2018 / 7:36 pm

    30 days! Excellent and congrats to you. You’ll get this – why?- its obvious in your writing that you want it bad enough.

    I think the anticipation thoughts of quitting are worse than the actual quitting. Not by a lot mind you but when our Monkey Mind gets loose he creates all that negative mental activity. And you are right, it does get harder every time. Getting back to a normal sleep, ugh what a process.

    I see you mentioned Holly and Hip Sobriety – I did her Mantra email program and found it very helpful for me.

    The first trip(s) to Europe it is surprising to us North Americans that people in Italy (and France) don’t drink the quantities we image they do…

    Speaking of that – your hiking trip sounded truly fabulous. Where were you in Italy? Or better yet, perhaps you might do a post on your trip?????

    Like

    • soberingtruths November 23, 2018 / 2:04 pm

      Oh I would love to post on my trip. It was truly fantastic! I haven’t felt much like writing about good things lately – too busy feeling sorry for myself. Perhaps I should to get out of this funk? We hiked all over the Amalfi Coast. Here is a link to the tour https://www.peregrineadventures.com/en-ca/italy/walking-italy-amalfi-coast-116626
      Our guide was a great guy and spent his personal hours with us as well. He brought us to all the local restaurants located at organic farms that weren’t touristy…just a magical trip.

      Like

      • JB November 23, 2018 / 3:44 pm

        That itinerary looks just dreamy! I’ve researched that area in the past….Sooo steep! Hello every leg muscle.

        We are kindreds in the post great vacation blues. That is a really nasty kind of down/grief. I would take me up to a month to emerge from that. But you are getting your stuff together and back on track!

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s